I grew up with a father who praised me (and was proud for me) and a mother who
didn’t. Trust me when I tell you
that I NOTICED THEIR DIFFERING APPROACHES!
I think it’s pretty safe to say that my mother thought that
praise would cause a child to ‘become prideful’ (arrogant, too big for your
britches).
My father, on the other hand, must’ve realized that praise,
when delivered carefully and sincerely, would be ESTEEM BUILDING!
Why is a good, solid self esteem important?
I believe that self esteem and confidence are VERY closely
related. A child must have a well
developed self esteem in order to move through the world in a confident
way.
Why is moving through the world with confidence so
important? Because a confident
child/young aldult/adult will make good choices for himself/herself. Period.
Think about a
classic peer pressure situation……….There’s a party, there’s alcohol, teens are
drinking, your child is asked to ‘take a few sips cause what’s the harm’,
he/she says ‘No thanks’ because he/she
has the confidence to be different. To not drink and still have fun at the party.
So……….How do you do it? How do you begin to help your child develop self esteem (a sense of pride in who they are)?
For starters, allow them to DO FOR THEMSELVES (and make
mistakes). Learning to ride a
bike, for instance, is HARD and FRUSTRATING! This experience, when not intruded on by well intentioned
parents, is SOOO GOOD for developing a child’s esteem! This doesn’t mean that you do not guide
your child when necessary or give encouragement. It simply means to stand out of their way. Trust me, it’s the child who has put
all of his/her blood, sweat and tears into a science project (with only quiet
encouragement from mom and dad) whose esteem will SOAR with pride and
confidence at their accomplishment!
You’ve heard me say it before, but I’ll say it
again……….CHORES CHORES CHORES!
Expecting your child to help run a household is esteem building. Their daily contribution matters. Mastering an instrument is also esteem building. Think of the will power it takes to practice each day!
So now let’s figure this ‘praise’ stuff out……….
It’s perfectly wonderful to praise your child, paying close
attention to WHAT they’ve done or
HOW they’ve done it.
It’s a matter of
substance versus surface.
Substance would be:
“I noticed the way you handled your frustration when dealing with a
cranky sibling and saw that you were very patient and kind. I admire those qualities in you.”
Surface would be:
“You look really cute in your outfit!”
