Wait, does pride REALLY goeth before a fall?

I grew up with a father who praised me (and was proud for me) and a mother who didn’t.  Trust me when I tell you that I NOTICED THEIR DIFFERING APPROACHES!

I think it’s pretty safe to say that my mother thought that praise would cause a child to ‘become prideful’ (arrogant, too big for your britches).

My father, on the other hand, must’ve realized that praise, when delivered carefully and sincerely, would be ESTEEM BUILDING!

Why is a good, solid self esteem important?

I believe that self esteem and confidence are VERY closely related.  A child must have a well developed self esteem in order to move through the world in a confident way. 

Why is moving through the world with confidence so important?  Because a confident child/young aldult/adult will make good choices for himself/herself.  Period.

Think about  a classic peer pressure situation……….There’s a party, there’s alcohol, teens are drinking, your child is asked to ‘take a few sips cause what’s the harm’, he/she says ‘No thanks’ because he/she  has the confidence to be different.  To not drink and still have fun at the party. 

So……….How do you do it?  How do you begin to help your child develop self esteem (a sense of pride in who they are)?

For starters, allow them to DO FOR THEMSELVES (and make mistakes).  Learning to ride a bike, for instance, is HARD and FRUSTRATING!  This experience, when not intruded on by well intentioned parents, is SOOO GOOD for developing a child’s esteem!  This doesn’t mean that you do not guide your child when necessary or give encouragement.  It simply means to stand out of their way.  Trust me, it’s the child who has put all of his/her blood, sweat and tears into a science project (with only quiet encouragement from mom and dad) whose esteem will SOAR with pride and confidence at their accomplishment! 

You’ve heard me say it before, but I’ll say it again……….CHORES CHORES CHORES!  Expecting your child to help run a household is esteem building.  Their daily contribution matters.  Mastering an instrument is also esteem building.  Think of the will power it takes to practice each day!  

So now let’s figure this ‘praise’ stuff out……….

It’s perfectly wonderful to praise your child, paying close attention to WHAT they’ve done  or HOW they’ve done it.  

It’s a matter of  substance versus surface.

Substance would be:  “I noticed the way you handled your frustration when dealing with a cranky sibling and saw that you were very patient and kind.  I admire those qualities in you.”

Surface would be:  “You look really cute in your outfit!”

I encourage you to reflect on this topic and notice when you are praising your child based on their good, solid character qualities.  

A picture can make you feel a thousand thoughts...................

Years ago, a good friend, Debbie Phillips, told me something that I have never forgotten.  She said that she keeps a picture of her husband when he was a little boy in a special place so that she can be reminded about ‘the little boy inside him’ when they are at odds with one another.

I never forgot it, but I didn’t remember it either.

Does that make sense?

It impacted me when she said it WAAAAY back then, but I never acted on it.

I should’ve.

Alas, all of these years later I did!  I recently asked my husband’s mother for some baby pictures (we had a few, but mostly of when he was a bit older). 

I placed the picture I chose amidst two special rocks I was recently given by ANOTHER good friend, Jill Loomis.  One rock says ‘hope’ and the other says ‘strength.’ 

When I gaze at the picture, which I often do, I am able to hold Jesse in a special place inside my heart.  A loving and nurturing space.  One that understands that he was once a tiny baby who has suffered wounds and painful moments. 

I’m then able to love him more fully and with a deeper understanding. 

So.............I strongly encourage you to  go dig up that baby picture of your partner and keep it close!  

Write me a letter!

Okay, so I’m sitting here watching Kathy Lee and Hoda.  They just showed some cute Valentine ideas to give to your partner.   One of the items is a journal called ‘Between You And Me.’   

Guess what?

Jesse and I have been journaling back and forth to each other (on and off) since our first year of marriage 14 years ago!

I have absolutely NO idea why we started, but we must’ve been onto something because clearly it’s a ‘thing.’

Here’s how it works: 

1. Get a journal.
2. Write down your appreciations, upsets, things you’d like to work on between you.
3. Put the journal underneath your partners pillow.
4. Your partner reads your entry.
5. Your partner writes his/her entry.
6. Your partner puts the journal underneath YOUR pillow

Just so you know, my husband and I  journaled like crazy in the BEGINNING of our marriage and then little by little, the entries were written farther and farther apart until we completely stopped writing. 

Until………..

We started again!  In the fall, after a VERY rough patch in our marriage, we started writing in our journal again and you know what? 

IT FEELS WONDERFUL!

Women's AND Men's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Raise your hand if, when you got your first period, your mother threw a box of Kotex Pads at you and grunted, “Now you’re a woman!” while doing the laundry.  Oh wait, that was ME!

Guess what!  I was so very let down by my mother’s response to SUCH an important event in my life I decided that, when I had girls,  I  would CELEBRATE that milestone with them!    So……….Starting with Natasha, I began a tradition called “Women’s Day” (I got the idea from The Cosby Show)! 

What’s “Women’s Day”.........?  When one of my girls gets her period,  not only does she know what’s happening (we’ve talked about it a LOT prior to) she gets to CELEBRATE it!  She gets to choose the activity (movie, restaurant, arcade, pedicures, etc) that we do together. 

I have to say that I HAVE LOVED DOING WOMEN’S DAY WITH MY DAUGHTERS!!!!!!!!!! 

Here’s a twist………..Several months back, when we were all discussing this event, Moses asked, “What about me?”  Oh my GOSH, I had NEVER thought about BOYS! 

So, I said to him (and to Malick),  “You guys will have “Man’s Day” with Dad when you turn 13 years old!”   

Here’s the thing……….There are many cultures that honor certain milestones in children’s lives.  Apart from some religious ceremonies, our culture really drops the ball in that department.

I think it would be great if we could ALL implement some kind of ‘coming of age’ ceremony into our children’s lives at the beginning of young adulthood.  It’s such a special time and it’s a sweet opportunity to connect with your child on a different level.

For Maeve’s “Women’s Day” today she asked if we could go see the movie “Frozen” and then have supper at a restaurant.  So………..We did!  During that time, I told her:  “You are beautiful and so very kind and amazingly artistic and you have some terrific character qualities such as her capacity to truly care for others and to always be on the look out for how she can help do the next thing.”  We talked about how at this age, boys and girls are all so self conscious (too developed/not developed enough) and are trying on all sorts of personas in a quest to figure our exactly who they are, etc.  It’s a fun time of exploration and discovery.  This mindset is important to share with your daughter/son at this juncture because this stage can feel very overwhelming and intimidating. 

Viva La Women’s AND Men’s Day!

Would you do THAT in La Louvre?

Did you hear in the news today about the parents whose children were climbing on an exhibit in an art museum?  While we don’t know exactly what happened, I suspect the parents  were  either distracted, zoned out , thought this behavior was acceptable or perhaps had simply given up. 

My body physically reacted to the report.  I made a strange sound like, “Blllllaaaaaa” which meant, “What is HAPPENING to our CHILDREN?!” 

But wait, it’s not the kids …… IT’S  THE PARENTS! 

It appears that parents (based on my broad observational experiences over the last 25 years) have slowly  lost sight of  the importance of keeping some VERY simple guidelines at the FOREFRONT  of ALL parenting moments: 

Children need to know their place.

Children need rules and boundaries.  This will NOT damage their self worth.

Children need to do as they’re told.

Children need to be taught how to behave based on the environment/circumstance.

For instance, when we pull up to the library, I remind my children, “We’re heading into the library so you need to use quiet whisper voices.”    When we are on our way to a restaurant, I say, “Use your inside voices and be sure that your energy is calm.”  Once inside, I keep an eye on their behavior. I give non verbal cues or talk to a child in a low voice.   Is this kind of a pain in the neck?  Yes, sometimes it is, but ….. IT IS MY JOB!!!

Okay, to some of you, these constant reminders may seem unnecessary or a pain in the neck to remember, but………….It is your DUTY to teach your children how to move in our world.  It’s also a GIFT to them because they will be well liked and admired for their outstanding behavior and impeccable manners. Guaranteed.

I strongly encourage you to do some self-examination:  Do I feel like I’m in charge?  Am I reacting to poor behavior versus being pro-active?  Do my children receive compliments frequently (from strangers, teachers, child care providers)?    

Now, back to the news!

A system that WORKS!

It’s time to introduce you to two FANTASTIC ideas!  They will change your buying practices and simplify your life ….. GUARANTEED!

The first idea is what I call ‘toy sort.’  Once a month or so I announce, “IT’S TOY SORT TIME!!!!!”  The kids go to their rooms, gather every single one of their toys and we all meet up in the playroom.  They dump out their various baskets and start organizing all of the items into piles/groups (wooden trains together, gnomes in a heap, art supplies altogether, etc).  

Why do this?  Because…………….

1. It forces children to clean their rooms

2. It teaches children how to group like items

3. It encourages children to purge trash

4. It provides an opportunity for children to work together

     5.  It helps children develop organizational skills

Once the toys are sorted and all trash has been thrown away, it’s ‘toy swap time.’  Okay, so what does THAT mean?  I think of it as ‘going to the toy store’ once a month without spending a DIME!    The children choose toys from the piles and the beauty of it is that the toys seem ‘new’ to them because they haven’t seen them/played with them for a while (maybe months). 

If you have little children or an only child, you can do your own ‘toy sort’/’toy swap.’  Put most of your child’s toys in large plastic bins and hide them from your child.  Only put out a few toys at a time and then once a week or so, switch the ‘old’ toys for the ‘new’ ones.  This works to keep the toys ‘fresh’ and interesting for the child AND helps to maintain a clutter-free environment as too many toys laying around can feel overwhelming to both the child AND the parents! 

I strongly encourage you to give this system a try!  

Silence Is Golden...............

Something really nice happened at the gym today.  A man approached me to say:  “I’ve been watching you with your children.  Those five ARE your children, aren’t they?”  I told him I have eight children and, like most people when they hear it,  he was clearly shocked.  Hahahahaha!  Anyway……..He went on to say, “I cannot believe how helpful and kind they are to each other and how much respect they show toward you and  other adults.”  I thanked him sincerely and then he added, “I’m MOST impressed by the way they listen to/respond to your non-verbal cueing.”

Whoa!

Did he REALLY just say that?  Talk about GREAT observational skills!  What he picked up on is one of the KEYS to my parenting – Teaching my children to pay attention to me so that they know what is expected of them, can be reminded to self-correct their behavior and can be aware of what’s coming up next. 

Don’t laugh, but…………Have you ever watched a very obedient dog keep his eyes and his attention of his handler?  

THAT is what I’ve taught my children to do with me.  I use my fingers, my eyes, my limited sign language and my body language to communicate my pleasure, displeasure, directions (stand up, sit down, wait, etc) and expectations.

So, what does that look like?  Okay, so say for instance we are at the pool and the children are scattered.  It’s time to leave, but instead of shouting across the pool, “It’s time to go!!!!   I stand up which gets the attention of one or more children (I sign ‘It’s time to take a shower.’) and they either pass along the information (usually silently as well) or they have all seen the instructions and respond accordingly.

Another example of this is when standing in line at the grocery store.  Although my children know that once in line, they are to begin helping to put our items on the conveyer belt,  if they happen to ‘zone out’ I  make a quiet whistle noise or if I’m in close proximity, a tap on the shoulder  and then sign ‘work.’  That is all it takes. 

Does this system ALWAYS work?  No.  However, it works most of the time and it helps to maintain a quiet and calm experience for you, your children and others. 

I encourage you to give this ‘silent’ thing a try!