We are only our 'word'................

I had a discussion the other day that got me thinking.  We were talking about how things ‘used to be.’  You know, like decades ago (and further back in history) when folks understood the importance of YOUR WORD.

For example, when you said you’d do something, YOU DID IT! You kept your word.  

Sounds so basic and simple, right?

Guess what…………..That concept has become SO complicated! 

For example, have you ever had a repairperson PROMISE to do work for you (even wrote up a contract) only to discover that they ‘didn’t deliver’ or worse still ‘took the money and ran?’ 

I've experienced this so many times and yet each time I am shocked and saddened anew.  

How about politicians who talk a big game during their campaign only to renege on their promises?

And let's not forget………Big pharma, agro-farms, GMOs and on and on!

For me, this behavior is SO disappointing and disheartening.  Seriously, I could weep when I think of people treating people in this manner.

This 'not keeping your word' behavior happens in the contractor world, but it also happens with regularity in our government, in the business industry and in our relationships.   

Have you read the book, ‘The Four Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz?  One of the agreements is ‘Be impeccable with your word.’

So what does THAT mean?  Among other things, it means to always be truthful.  It means to do as you say you’ll do.  The Brethren say, “Yes means yes and no means no.’  Ahhhhhh, this is SO beautiful. 

If you have been less than impeccable with YOUR word, CHANGE THAT IMMEDIATELY!  If you've been dishonest with someone, tell them your truth now.  If you have had dealings with folks who operate in this way, go the extra step to let them know of your disappointment (if necessary write a letter, contact your local better business bureau, etc).  

We all MUST start treating one another with integrity and respect.  Let us all choose to be impeccable with our word!

All Will Be (fine) ....... WELL!

I’ve always admired Maya Angelou.  But seriously, who HASN’T?  My first ‘Maya Experience’ was at President Clinton’s Inauguration.  Whoa.  That poem knocked my socks off!  I can remember thinking, “That took a lot out of her.  Not only did she look a bit dazed when she finished the last line,; she didn’t even seem to have the strength to put an arm around The President when he hugged her!”

Over the years, I’ve read her books (starting with Why The Caged Bird Sings) and have seen her interviewed on several shows including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Super Soul Sunday and the Master Class series. 

Let’s face it, Maya is…………..A force, a phenom, an icon, a loving mother (to her son and to other men and women she calls her ‘children’), a teacher, a scholar, the REAL DEAL!

So, recently, when I heard Dr Angelou utter the phrase ‘all will be well’ I took particular note.  Why?  Because, as she explained it, it meant that things might not turn out  1.  The way you wanted  2.  The way you expected  3.  As good or great as you had hoped, but……….The way they were supposed to turn out.   

Get it?

Okay, for example, say you were trying to get pregnant and weren’t able.  You might be tempted to become very upset and frustrated because the idea of motherhood/fatherhood was not coming as easy as it seemed to for others.   Not the way it was supposed to.  If you stopped right there, you would miss the opportunity to surrender to the bigger picture (call it the universal plan).  You’d get stuck in the mire of ‘THIS IS NOT MY PLAN!!!!!!’ 

What would ensue?  Negativity, anger, sadness…………..?

What if you were to consider Dr Angelou’s sage words (“All will – not fine as in a storybook ending, but - be well”)?  What if you were to choose to surrender and create a space for the universe to do it’s work? 

There might be a pregnancy, there might be an adoption, there might be a change in your life’s purpose (from parenthood to entrepreneur, perhaps). 

If you truly begin to subscribe to this state of mind, you cannot even BEGIN to imagine how FREE you will feel!

Out on a limb................!

I just read a blog post by Seth Godin that  inspired me to write a blog post of my own about the topic he was addressing!

Okay, so what *was* this fascinating topic? 

Taking a risk.

So what’s the big deal about THAT? 

Well………..When was the last time you ‘took a chance’?  (walked up to a stranger and introduced yourself, spoke up against an injustice, performed in front of an audience, gave a speech, told someone who deeply hurt you that you loved him/her,  forgave someone, etc)?

Me?  I’ve been ‘taking chances’ ‘giving it a shot’   ‘getting my hands dirty’ a LOT lately.  Trust me, it ain’t easy!  But guess what…………It’s truly liberating! 

But WHY does it set you free? 

Because………You give yourself permission to let go or SURRENDER!     

Recently, five of my children and I performed in our dance company’s annual recital.  We are called ‘The Von Taps’ and we did a tap dance to ‘I Want You Back’ by The Jackson Five.  Was this an example of ‘going out on a limb’ or ‘going for the gusto.’ YOU BET IT WAS!  But………again………..It felt soooooo wonderful when we danced to the best of our abilities in front of that audience! 

I encourage YOU to take a chance……….TODAY!  

I'm going down, down, down..................!

You’ve probably been wondering……………WHERE IS MOTHER GOOSE?    Well, wonder no more!  I’m baaaaaaaack!

But back from WHERE? 

From:  *****“Going Underground***** 

Have you ever heard of that term? 

 I use it to describe what happens when I need to lay low or drop out of life for a bit.

Can’t you just picture me laid down below the surface of the earth with the moles and badgers? 

Can you relate?

So exactly how does this work?   Well, when I start feeling overwhelmed

with my life (school activities, extra curricular commitments, marital struggles,  sick children, etc), I take a step back and immediately ‘go underground.’ 

I cancel meetings, activities and stick to the bare minimal commitments.  Also,  I make certain that I feel GOOD about this strategy.  I remind myself that this is critical to my self-care!  THAT is key. 

So…………The next time YOU feel overwhelmed with YOUR life, pare down, simplify and  GO UNDERGROUND! 

Wait, does pride REALLY goeth before a fall?

I grew up with a father who praised me (and was proud for me) and a mother who didn’t.  Trust me when I tell you that I NOTICED THEIR DIFFERING APPROACHES!

I think it’s pretty safe to say that my mother thought that praise would cause a child to ‘become prideful’ (arrogant, too big for your britches).

My father, on the other hand, must’ve realized that praise, when delivered carefully and sincerely, would be ESTEEM BUILDING!

Why is a good, solid self esteem important?

I believe that self esteem and confidence are VERY closely related.  A child must have a well developed self esteem in order to move through the world in a confident way. 

Why is moving through the world with confidence so important?  Because a confident child/young aldult/adult will make good choices for himself/herself.  Period.

Think about  a classic peer pressure situation……….There’s a party, there’s alcohol, teens are drinking, your child is asked to ‘take a few sips cause what’s the harm’, he/she says ‘No thanks’ because he/she  has the confidence to be different.  To not drink and still have fun at the party. 

So……….How do you do it?  How do you begin to help your child develop self esteem (a sense of pride in who they are)?

For starters, allow them to DO FOR THEMSELVES (and make mistakes).  Learning to ride a bike, for instance, is HARD and FRUSTRATING!  This experience, when not intruded on by well intentioned parents, is SOOO GOOD for developing a child’s esteem!  This doesn’t mean that you do not guide your child when necessary or give encouragement.  It simply means to stand out of their way.  Trust me, it’s the child who has put all of his/her blood, sweat and tears into a science project (with only quiet encouragement from mom and dad) whose esteem will SOAR with pride and confidence at their accomplishment! 

You’ve heard me say it before, but I’ll say it again……….CHORES CHORES CHORES!  Expecting your child to help run a household is esteem building.  Their daily contribution matters.  Mastering an instrument is also esteem building.  Think of the will power it takes to practice each day!  

So now let’s figure this ‘praise’ stuff out……….

It’s perfectly wonderful to praise your child, paying close attention to WHAT they’ve done  or HOW they’ve done it.  

It’s a matter of  substance versus surface.

Substance would be:  “I noticed the way you handled your frustration when dealing with a cranky sibling and saw that you were very patient and kind.  I admire those qualities in you.”

Surface would be:  “You look really cute in your outfit!”

I encourage you to reflect on this topic and notice when you are praising your child based on their good, solid character qualities.  

A picture can make you feel a thousand thoughts...................

Years ago, a good friend, Debbie Phillips, told me something that I have never forgotten.  She said that she keeps a picture of her husband when he was a little boy in a special place so that she can be reminded about ‘the little boy inside him’ when they are at odds with one another.

I never forgot it, but I didn’t remember it either.

Does that make sense?

It impacted me when she said it WAAAAY back then, but I never acted on it.

I should’ve.

Alas, all of these years later I did!  I recently asked my husband’s mother for some baby pictures (we had a few, but mostly of when he was a bit older). 

I placed the picture I chose amidst two special rocks I was recently given by ANOTHER good friend, Jill Loomis.  One rock says ‘hope’ and the other says ‘strength.’ 

When I gaze at the picture, which I often do, I am able to hold Jesse in a special place inside my heart.  A loving and nurturing space.  One that understands that he was once a tiny baby who has suffered wounds and painful moments. 

I’m then able to love him more fully and with a deeper understanding. 

So.............I strongly encourage you to  go dig up that baby picture of your partner and keep it close!  

Write me a letter!

Okay, so I’m sitting here watching Kathy Lee and Hoda.  They just showed some cute Valentine ideas to give to your partner.   One of the items is a journal called ‘Between You And Me.’   

Guess what?

Jesse and I have been journaling back and forth to each other (on and off) since our first year of marriage 14 years ago!

I have absolutely NO idea why we started, but we must’ve been onto something because clearly it’s a ‘thing.’

Here’s how it works: 

1. Get a journal.
2. Write down your appreciations, upsets, things you’d like to work on between you.
3. Put the journal underneath your partners pillow.
4. Your partner reads your entry.
5. Your partner writes his/her entry.
6. Your partner puts the journal underneath YOUR pillow

Just so you know, my husband and I  journaled like crazy in the BEGINNING of our marriage and then little by little, the entries were written farther and farther apart until we completely stopped writing. 

Until………..

We started again!  In the fall, after a VERY rough patch in our marriage, we started writing in our journal again and you know what? 

IT FEELS WONDERFUL!

Women's AND Men's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Raise your hand if, when you got your first period, your mother threw a box of Kotex Pads at you and grunted, “Now you’re a woman!” while doing the laundry.  Oh wait, that was ME!

Guess what!  I was so very let down by my mother’s response to SUCH an important event in my life I decided that, when I had girls,  I  would CELEBRATE that milestone with them!    So……….Starting with Natasha, I began a tradition called “Women’s Day” (I got the idea from The Cosby Show)! 

What’s “Women’s Day”.........?  When one of my girls gets her period,  not only does she know what’s happening (we’ve talked about it a LOT prior to) she gets to CELEBRATE it!  She gets to choose the activity (movie, restaurant, arcade, pedicures, etc) that we do together. 

I have to say that I HAVE LOVED DOING WOMEN’S DAY WITH MY DAUGHTERS!!!!!!!!!! 

Here’s a twist………..Several months back, when we were all discussing this event, Moses asked, “What about me?”  Oh my GOSH, I had NEVER thought about BOYS! 

So, I said to him (and to Malick),  “You guys will have “Man’s Day” with Dad when you turn 13 years old!”   

Here’s the thing……….There are many cultures that honor certain milestones in children’s lives.  Apart from some religious ceremonies, our culture really drops the ball in that department.

I think it would be great if we could ALL implement some kind of ‘coming of age’ ceremony into our children’s lives at the beginning of young adulthood.  It’s such a special time and it’s a sweet opportunity to connect with your child on a different level.

For Maeve’s “Women’s Day” today she asked if we could go see the movie “Frozen” and then have supper at a restaurant.  So………..We did!  During that time, I told her:  “You are beautiful and so very kind and amazingly artistic and you have some terrific character qualities such as her capacity to truly care for others and to always be on the look out for how she can help do the next thing.”  We talked about how at this age, boys and girls are all so self conscious (too developed/not developed enough) and are trying on all sorts of personas in a quest to figure our exactly who they are, etc.  It’s a fun time of exploration and discovery.  This mindset is important to share with your daughter/son at this juncture because this stage can feel very overwhelming and intimidating. 

Viva La Women’s AND Men’s Day!

Would you do THAT in La Louvre?

Did you hear in the news today about the parents whose children were climbing on an exhibit in an art museum?  While we don’t know exactly what happened, I suspect the parents  were  either distracted, zoned out , thought this behavior was acceptable or perhaps had simply given up. 

My body physically reacted to the report.  I made a strange sound like, “Blllllaaaaaa” which meant, “What is HAPPENING to our CHILDREN?!” 

But wait, it’s not the kids …… IT’S  THE PARENTS! 

It appears that parents (based on my broad observational experiences over the last 25 years) have slowly  lost sight of  the importance of keeping some VERY simple guidelines at the FOREFRONT  of ALL parenting moments: 

Children need to know their place.

Children need rules and boundaries.  This will NOT damage their self worth.

Children need to do as they’re told.

Children need to be taught how to behave based on the environment/circumstance.

For instance, when we pull up to the library, I remind my children, “We’re heading into the library so you need to use quiet whisper voices.”    When we are on our way to a restaurant, I say, “Use your inside voices and be sure that your energy is calm.”  Once inside, I keep an eye on their behavior. I give non verbal cues or talk to a child in a low voice.   Is this kind of a pain in the neck?  Yes, sometimes it is, but ….. IT IS MY JOB!!!

Okay, to some of you, these constant reminders may seem unnecessary or a pain in the neck to remember, but………….It is your DUTY to teach your children how to move in our world.  It’s also a GIFT to them because they will be well liked and admired for their outstanding behavior and impeccable manners. Guaranteed.

I strongly encourage you to do some self-examination:  Do I feel like I’m in charge?  Am I reacting to poor behavior versus being pro-active?  Do my children receive compliments frequently (from strangers, teachers, child care providers)?    

Now, back to the news!

A system that WORKS!

It’s time to introduce you to two FANTASTIC ideas!  They will change your buying practices and simplify your life ….. GUARANTEED!

The first idea is what I call ‘toy sort.’  Once a month or so I announce, “IT’S TOY SORT TIME!!!!!”  The kids go to their rooms, gather every single one of their toys and we all meet up in the playroom.  They dump out their various baskets and start organizing all of the items into piles/groups (wooden trains together, gnomes in a heap, art supplies altogether, etc).  

Why do this?  Because…………….

1. It forces children to clean their rooms

2. It teaches children how to group like items

3. It encourages children to purge trash

4. It provides an opportunity for children to work together

     5.  It helps children develop organizational skills

Once the toys are sorted and all trash has been thrown away, it’s ‘toy swap time.’  Okay, so what does THAT mean?  I think of it as ‘going to the toy store’ once a month without spending a DIME!    The children choose toys from the piles and the beauty of it is that the toys seem ‘new’ to them because they haven’t seen them/played with them for a while (maybe months). 

If you have little children or an only child, you can do your own ‘toy sort’/’toy swap.’  Put most of your child’s toys in large plastic bins and hide them from your child.  Only put out a few toys at a time and then once a week or so, switch the ‘old’ toys for the ‘new’ ones.  This works to keep the toys ‘fresh’ and interesting for the child AND helps to maintain a clutter-free environment as too many toys laying around can feel overwhelming to both the child AND the parents! 

I strongly encourage you to give this system a try!  

Silence Is Golden...............

Something really nice happened at the gym today.  A man approached me to say:  “I’ve been watching you with your children.  Those five ARE your children, aren’t they?”  I told him I have eight children and, like most people when they hear it,  he was clearly shocked.  Hahahahaha!  Anyway……..He went on to say, “I cannot believe how helpful and kind they are to each other and how much respect they show toward you and  other adults.”  I thanked him sincerely and then he added, “I’m MOST impressed by the way they listen to/respond to your non-verbal cueing.”

Whoa!

Did he REALLY just say that?  Talk about GREAT observational skills!  What he picked up on is one of the KEYS to my parenting – Teaching my children to pay attention to me so that they know what is expected of them, can be reminded to self-correct their behavior and can be aware of what’s coming up next. 

Don’t laugh, but…………Have you ever watched a very obedient dog keep his eyes and his attention of his handler?  

THAT is what I’ve taught my children to do with me.  I use my fingers, my eyes, my limited sign language and my body language to communicate my pleasure, displeasure, directions (stand up, sit down, wait, etc) and expectations.

So, what does that look like?  Okay, so say for instance we are at the pool and the children are scattered.  It’s time to leave, but instead of shouting across the pool, “It’s time to go!!!!   I stand up which gets the attention of one or more children (I sign ‘It’s time to take a shower.’) and they either pass along the information (usually silently as well) or they have all seen the instructions and respond accordingly.

Another example of this is when standing in line at the grocery store.  Although my children know that once in line, they are to begin helping to put our items on the conveyer belt,  if they happen to ‘zone out’ I  make a quiet whistle noise or if I’m in close proximity, a tap on the shoulder  and then sign ‘work.’  That is all it takes. 

Does this system ALWAYS work?  No.  However, it works most of the time and it helps to maintain a quiet and calm experience for you, your children and others. 

I encourage you to give this ‘silent’ thing a try! 

How deep is your love?

Have you ever hugged your nail technician TWICE during a pedicure?   I did today and here’s why…….

She and I were chatting back and forth when the topic of marriage came up.  I asked her if she was married and she said, ‘Yes, it was an arranged marriage five years ago.’  She told me that they got married first and THEN started dating.  She said that he was a good guy and she loved him, but was not ‘in love’ with him. 

A humongous can of worms was opened right there in the nail salon!

Can any one of you (who’s been in a relationship/marriage for at least a year) relate to that? 

I sure can! 

Well, first, let’s talk about what ‘love’ versus ‘in love’ means.  To me, love is the deep, caring, worked-on,  ain’t always pretty, but sometimes fun and sassy connection with your partner. It’s a decision that you make each day.  It’s a choice.   When I think of what ‘in love’ means, I think of a sparkly, heady, rush of love emotions which doesn’t feel like a choice but a reaction, a drive.  I compare it to a comet that at first ZOOMS fantastically across the sky only to fizzle out after a short bit.   

We’ve all experienced a crush on someone.  It feels exciting and exhilarating!  THAT is ‘in love.’

‘Love’, on the other hand, is quieter, calmer, more subtle, but…………..It does NOT have to be hum-drum and boring!  It can sparkle.  I am SURE of it!  It will NEVER feel entirely like a new love, but I am convinced that there are ways to stoke the fires of passion, desire, anticipation and a longing to be with your partner. 

So, how do you go about infusing this old ‘love’ with excitement and a feeling of the newness of a brand-spanking new love interest?  There are probably laundry lists of ways to ‘get that groove back’ including:  New undies (for each of you), candles, dates, etc.  While those details have merit, I believe it’s MUCH more than cards and flowers. 

I believe it takes a willingness in both partners to agree to do the work (growth) of nourishing/nurturing the relationship.  That means,  along with the dates and candles, there must be  a strong desire to help your partner, as David Deida  (author of many wonderful, life changing books including ‘The Way Of The Superior Man.”) would say, “Open his/her heart which means a  willingness to breathe with your partner, feel your partner, deepen your heart, feel each others agitations and deepest hearts desires……….” 

These actions are learned and are an ART.  Your relationship is your masterpiece.  Just as I hugged and encouraged my lovely nail technician, Ha,  about these concepts, I encourage YOU to think about these ideas.  See if they resonate with you.  I encourage you to put them into practice in YOUR relationship RIGHT NOW!  Don’t wait one more minute to begin to GROW DEEPER IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER. 

You don't have to be a Cirque Du Soleil performer to FIND YOUR BALANCE!

Why do I keep thinking that this ‘balancing’ thing will ever be accomplished?  Who am I kidding?   That said,  just because it’s in a constant state of flux and feels overwhelming doesn’t mean it can’t be managed. 

Okay, so what do I mean by balancing?  

To me, balancing means juggling………….Are you meeting your children’s needs (physical AND emotional), are you providing wholesome and nutritious meals,  are you keeping up with the household chores, are you working on your relationship with your spouse, are you spending time with friends, are you addressing your personal health needs including your emotional ones,  are you doing your best work on the job (if you are working outside the home for a company or working from home for that same company or as an entrepreneur) and more! 

If you’re like me, you can identify with at LEAST five things on this list.  I don’t know about you, but just reading it makes me feel EXHAUSTED and OVERWHELMED!

So……….Now what?

We’ve identified the things we NEED to balance, but how do we FIND the balance?  I think one way to start is to generate your own lists:  1.  A ‘needs’ list  2.  A ‘to do’ list.

The needs list should have what I would call ‘self care’ items on it:  Write down the things that would nourish you on a daily/weekly/monthly basis such as 1.  A monthly pedicure 2.  A weekly girls night out  3.  A daily phone call with a girlfriend  4. An exercise schedule  5.  Friday date night with your husband.

The to-do list should have items on it  that must get done on a daily/weekly/monthly basis such as:  1.  Clean the house  2.  Make supper  3.  Take kids to school.

Okay, so you’ve generated your lists.  Great!   Next up is figuring out “negotiables.”

What are negotiables, you ask?  Those are areas that can be tweaked (and tweaked again as necessary).  For example, if your morning routine (getting yourself and your children ready and out the door) is overwhelming and makes you want to cry,  enlist the help of your husband.   Sounds simple, right?   It IS and it truly could mean the difference between feeling tearful and resentful to feeling refreshed and ready for the challenges of the day!  Another example is negotiating meals.  Instead of thinking that you have to lay down hot, delicious meals each night, serve up simpler fare such as soup/sandwiches or take out.  Trust me, KIDS DON’T CARE and NOR SHOULD YOU! 

The same goes for cleaning the house.  If you can hire a weekly/monthly cleaning person, then DO IT!  If you can’t then LET IT GO!  Do the bare minimal cleaning as a family (if your children are five or older, assign them daily/weekly/monthly chores).  Trust me, our household could not run as smoothly without the help of five of our children. 

Ask around, NO ONE feels that they are balancing or juggling well.  We’re all swimming in the same soup in that regard.  Just know that NO ONE CARES about how clean your house is, how well you ironed your business suit, if your children have jelly on their face, etc. 

Shave off any unnecessary tasks and get help (babysitting co-ops, grandparents, cleaning person, carpool, take-out meals, spousal support).  Remind yourself often about what is truly important (your self care, your relationship with your spouse and with your  children).  Tweak the schedule/routine when it feels like it’s not working for you/your family anymore. 

And remember that when you are starting something new (a new job, school year, summer break, new baby, etc) GO EASY ON YOURSELF!  Do the bare minimum and conserve your energy.  Those are the times to rally the troops.  Ask a friend or a family member to help out (making a few meals or schlepping children to and from school). 

Lastly, DO THESE THINGS because……………I did NOT do these things when I was in the weeds of parenting lots of small children and I sure wish I had!  As Oprah would say:  When you know better, you do better.

 

No Hitting!

Question:  HELP! Any useful tips for hitting or I should say stopping hitting? Elliana gets frustrated when I pick her up sometimes and flips her body around then smacks me right in the face! I tell her that hitting is not allowed and that we don't do it and it hurts. She has been doing it for weeks now and its getting REALLY frustrating. Did you ever encounter this?

Answer:   Yes! Of course! No worries!  It's a stage and can be the result of the child being tired, frustrated, too stimulated, etc. I always use a firm voice and a serious face and say "No hitting." I'd advise you not to go into an explanation. If possible put her down and busy yourself with something else. As soon as she approaches you or is happy about something reward this behavior with your attention and your smile.

Please consider this .......... NOW!

I came across a GREAT quote the other night in the book The Power of Now.  It reads:  “The teacher and the taught create the teaching.”  OMG how I love that! 

Here’s why…………Because the responsibility is shared.  To me, however, it seems that the student needs to be ‘ready’ for the information the teacher provides. 

Okay, what does THAT mean? 

Well, have you ever been in denial about something even when the information is compelling?  Can you relate to simply not being ready to hear it?  I know I have.  For instance, I used to think that the story of your childhood was your truth.  I mean ALL of it including a teacher or a parent saying:  “You’ll never be any kind of a math wiz!”  And then………..I picked up the book The Story Of You by Steve Chandler and WHOA!   This book explains how we hold ourselves back by the stories we believe about ourselves and then project to the world. One of the key points that I learned  is that I can excel at anything I put my mind to, including MATH!  I am no longer burdened with the notion (MY STORY) that I’m a math flunkie! 

Guess what?  This can be applied to  EVERYTHING!

Wouldn’t it be grand if we allowed ourselves to ALWAYS be ready and open and eager to learn about something, anything  ESPECIALLY when we find the information to be difficult to accept and we want to hold on to our old, tried and true notions (OUR STORIES)?