Silence Is Golden...............

Something really nice happened at the gym today.  A man approached me to say:  “I’ve been watching you with your children.  Those five ARE your children, aren’t they?”  I told him I have eight children and, like most people when they hear it,  he was clearly shocked.  Hahahahaha!  Anyway……..He went on to say, “I cannot believe how helpful and kind they are to each other and how much respect they show toward you and  other adults.”  I thanked him sincerely and then he added, “I’m MOST impressed by the way they listen to/respond to your non-verbal cueing.”

Whoa!

Did he REALLY just say that?  Talk about GREAT observational skills!  What he picked up on is one of the KEYS to my parenting – Teaching my children to pay attention to me so that they know what is expected of them, can be reminded to self-correct their behavior and can be aware of what’s coming up next. 

Don’t laugh, but…………Have you ever watched a very obedient dog keep his eyes and his attention of his handler?  

THAT is what I’ve taught my children to do with me.  I use my fingers, my eyes, my limited sign language and my body language to communicate my pleasure, displeasure, directions (stand up, sit down, wait, etc) and expectations.

So, what does that look like?  Okay, so say for instance we are at the pool and the children are scattered.  It’s time to leave, but instead of shouting across the pool, “It’s time to go!!!!   I stand up which gets the attention of one or more children (I sign ‘It’s time to take a shower.’) and they either pass along the information (usually silently as well) or they have all seen the instructions and respond accordingly.

Another example of this is when standing in line at the grocery store.  Although my children know that once in line, they are to begin helping to put our items on the conveyer belt,  if they happen to ‘zone out’ I  make a quiet whistle noise or if I’m in close proximity, a tap on the shoulder  and then sign ‘work.’  That is all it takes. 

Does this system ALWAYS work?  No.  However, it works most of the time and it helps to maintain a quiet and calm experience for you, your children and others. 

I encourage you to give this ‘silent’ thing a try! 

How deep is your love?

Have you ever hugged your nail technician TWICE during a pedicure?   I did today and here’s why…….

She and I were chatting back and forth when the topic of marriage came up.  I asked her if she was married and she said, ‘Yes, it was an arranged marriage five years ago.’  She told me that they got married first and THEN started dating.  She said that he was a good guy and she loved him, but was not ‘in love’ with him. 

A humongous can of worms was opened right there in the nail salon!

Can any one of you (who’s been in a relationship/marriage for at least a year) relate to that? 

I sure can! 

Well, first, let’s talk about what ‘love’ versus ‘in love’ means.  To me, love is the deep, caring, worked-on,  ain’t always pretty, but sometimes fun and sassy connection with your partner. It’s a decision that you make each day.  It’s a choice.   When I think of what ‘in love’ means, I think of a sparkly, heady, rush of love emotions which doesn’t feel like a choice but a reaction, a drive.  I compare it to a comet that at first ZOOMS fantastically across the sky only to fizzle out after a short bit.   

We’ve all experienced a crush on someone.  It feels exciting and exhilarating!  THAT is ‘in love.’

‘Love’, on the other hand, is quieter, calmer, more subtle, but…………..It does NOT have to be hum-drum and boring!  It can sparkle.  I am SURE of it!  It will NEVER feel entirely like a new love, but I am convinced that there are ways to stoke the fires of passion, desire, anticipation and a longing to be with your partner. 

So, how do you go about infusing this old ‘love’ with excitement and a feeling of the newness of a brand-spanking new love interest?  There are probably laundry lists of ways to ‘get that groove back’ including:  New undies (for each of you), candles, dates, etc.  While those details have merit, I believe it’s MUCH more than cards and flowers. 

I believe it takes a willingness in both partners to agree to do the work (growth) of nourishing/nurturing the relationship.  That means,  along with the dates and candles, there must be  a strong desire to help your partner, as David Deida  (author of many wonderful, life changing books including ‘The Way Of The Superior Man.”) would say, “Open his/her heart which means a  willingness to breathe with your partner, feel your partner, deepen your heart, feel each others agitations and deepest hearts desires……….” 

These actions are learned and are an ART.  Your relationship is your masterpiece.  Just as I hugged and encouraged my lovely nail technician, Ha,  about these concepts, I encourage YOU to think about these ideas.  See if they resonate with you.  I encourage you to put them into practice in YOUR relationship RIGHT NOW!  Don’t wait one more minute to begin to GROW DEEPER IN LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER. 

You don't have to be a Cirque Du Soleil performer to FIND YOUR BALANCE!

Why do I keep thinking that this ‘balancing’ thing will ever be accomplished?  Who am I kidding?   That said,  just because it’s in a constant state of flux and feels overwhelming doesn’t mean it can’t be managed. 

Okay, so what do I mean by balancing?  

To me, balancing means juggling………….Are you meeting your children’s needs (physical AND emotional), are you providing wholesome and nutritious meals,  are you keeping up with the household chores, are you working on your relationship with your spouse, are you spending time with friends, are you addressing your personal health needs including your emotional ones,  are you doing your best work on the job (if you are working outside the home for a company or working from home for that same company or as an entrepreneur) and more! 

If you’re like me, you can identify with at LEAST five things on this list.  I don’t know about you, but just reading it makes me feel EXHAUSTED and OVERWHELMED!

So……….Now what?

We’ve identified the things we NEED to balance, but how do we FIND the balance?  I think one way to start is to generate your own lists:  1.  A ‘needs’ list  2.  A ‘to do’ list.

The needs list should have what I would call ‘self care’ items on it:  Write down the things that would nourish you on a daily/weekly/monthly basis such as 1.  A monthly pedicure 2.  A weekly girls night out  3.  A daily phone call with a girlfriend  4. An exercise schedule  5.  Friday date night with your husband.

The to-do list should have items on it  that must get done on a daily/weekly/monthly basis such as:  1.  Clean the house  2.  Make supper  3.  Take kids to school.

Okay, so you’ve generated your lists.  Great!   Next up is figuring out “negotiables.”

What are negotiables, you ask?  Those are areas that can be tweaked (and tweaked again as necessary).  For example, if your morning routine (getting yourself and your children ready and out the door) is overwhelming and makes you want to cry,  enlist the help of your husband.   Sounds simple, right?   It IS and it truly could mean the difference between feeling tearful and resentful to feeling refreshed and ready for the challenges of the day!  Another example is negotiating meals.  Instead of thinking that you have to lay down hot, delicious meals each night, serve up simpler fare such as soup/sandwiches or take out.  Trust me, KIDS DON’T CARE and NOR SHOULD YOU! 

The same goes for cleaning the house.  If you can hire a weekly/monthly cleaning person, then DO IT!  If you can’t then LET IT GO!  Do the bare minimal cleaning as a family (if your children are five or older, assign them daily/weekly/monthly chores).  Trust me, our household could not run as smoothly without the help of five of our children. 

Ask around, NO ONE feels that they are balancing or juggling well.  We’re all swimming in the same soup in that regard.  Just know that NO ONE CARES about how clean your house is, how well you ironed your business suit, if your children have jelly on their face, etc. 

Shave off any unnecessary tasks and get help (babysitting co-ops, grandparents, cleaning person, carpool, take-out meals, spousal support).  Remind yourself often about what is truly important (your self care, your relationship with your spouse and with your  children).  Tweak the schedule/routine when it feels like it’s not working for you/your family anymore. 

And remember that when you are starting something new (a new job, school year, summer break, new baby, etc) GO EASY ON YOURSELF!  Do the bare minimum and conserve your energy.  Those are the times to rally the troops.  Ask a friend or a family member to help out (making a few meals or schlepping children to and from school). 

Lastly, DO THESE THINGS because……………I did NOT do these things when I was in the weeds of parenting lots of small children and I sure wish I had!  As Oprah would say:  When you know better, you do better.

 

No Hitting!

Question:  HELP! Any useful tips for hitting or I should say stopping hitting? Elliana gets frustrated when I pick her up sometimes and flips her body around then smacks me right in the face! I tell her that hitting is not allowed and that we don't do it and it hurts. She has been doing it for weeks now and its getting REALLY frustrating. Did you ever encounter this?

Answer:   Yes! Of course! No worries!  It's a stage and can be the result of the child being tired, frustrated, too stimulated, etc. I always use a firm voice and a serious face and say "No hitting." I'd advise you not to go into an explanation. If possible put her down and busy yourself with something else. As soon as she approaches you or is happy about something reward this behavior with your attention and your smile.

Please consider this .......... NOW!

I came across a GREAT quote the other night in the book The Power of Now.  It reads:  “The teacher and the taught create the teaching.”  OMG how I love that! 

Here’s why…………Because the responsibility is shared.  To me, however, it seems that the student needs to be ‘ready’ for the information the teacher provides. 

Okay, what does THAT mean? 

Well, have you ever been in denial about something even when the information is compelling?  Can you relate to simply not being ready to hear it?  I know I have.  For instance, I used to think that the story of your childhood was your truth.  I mean ALL of it including a teacher or a parent saying:  “You’ll never be any kind of a math wiz!”  And then………..I picked up the book The Story Of You by Steve Chandler and WHOA!   This book explains how we hold ourselves back by the stories we believe about ourselves and then project to the world. One of the key points that I learned  is that I can excel at anything I put my mind to, including MATH!  I am no longer burdened with the notion (MY STORY) that I’m a math flunkie! 

Guess what?  This can be applied to  EVERYTHING!

Wouldn’t it be grand if we allowed ourselves to ALWAYS be ready and open and eager to learn about something, anything  ESPECIALLY when we find the information to be difficult to accept and we want to hold on to our old, tried and true notions (OUR STORIES)? 

Crying From A-Z.........!

I opened up my address book this morning and <<WHAMMO>>……….I started crying!  And no it was NOT because I was out of stamps.  It struck me like a lightening bolt that what I had tucked in between the cover and the ‘A’ page were a bunch of things that REALLY MATTER TO MY HEART. 

Things like a sadly sweet letter, written several years ago, by Steve Havery telling me of the death of his beloved wife, Rosalie (I lived with them when I was an exchange student in England in the 1980s).  Another touching letter, from a long time friend, Bernd whose wife, Nathalie died in her 40s.  He was thanking me for my kind words of condolence.  A sonogram of one of the four babies I was pregnant with who died in utetro.  A dear picture of  Natasha (age 5) and Juliette (4) sitting on a swing set  in their Mamy and Papy’s back garden in France during one of our many vacations there.  An AWESOME and ALL TIME FAVORITE picture of Jesse (full-on laugh captured) during one of his Vision Days with his amazing friend, Rob Berkley.  A beautiful picture/inspirational thought by Maeve (“Let The Storm Never Take You Down”) that she gave me during a VERY rough summer (and here I thought I was keeping a lid on my emotions…..).  Last, but not least, there was a list I had asked Juliette and Chloe and Natasha to write.  Several years ago, at the urging of my dear friend, Sandra Vaughn, I asked the girls to write down my attributes as they see them.  The things Juliette, in particular, said deeply touched me.  Seeing her list again reminded me that I  need to read those words with regularity. 

I wonder where you house YOUR treasures?  I’m inspired to think about whether or not I should find better ‘places’ for my keepsakes or just leave them be.  Hmmmm.

You're going away AGAIN?!?!?!?

When a spouse travels, it can be extremely stressful on the parent who remains at home ‘holding down the fort.’ 

Until recently, I had always found it challenging and have had PLENTY of REALLY bad experiences over the 25 years I’ve been the ‘stay at home while the spouse is away person.’

For instance, years ago, my husband went on a 10 day business trip and I was left home with four small children and a newborn baby.  No sooner had we waved goodbye, four of the kids commenced VOMITING (I am NOT lying)!  After a few days of chaos, I called Jesse and cried and whined and two things happened:  1.  Jesse felt helpless (and came across as annoyed with my phone call) 2.  I felt incompetent, abandoned and upset by Jesse’s reaction (and vowed never to call again to complain; and **THAT**, my friends, was a HUGE mistake)! 

WHY was that a mistake?  Because instead of communicating with one another about exactly what went wrong (“I feel overwhelmed when you go away for long periods of time and I need your emotional support – I need for you to check in with me a few times each day and tell me how much you appreciate my work with the children and I need you to be strong and listen to my crying/complaining if I’m feeling upset”) we stayed in our ‘upset’ and I told myself that Jesse was not a ‘soft place to land (that I couldn’t and wouldn’t count on him to help me navigate my rough/challenging times and I couldn’t trust him with my negative emotions).  The message I got from Jesse was that he didn’t ‘like’ me when I was a complainer.  EVEN THOUGH THIS MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN HIS MESSAGE!  This is PRECICESLY why you just HAVE to communicate!  Yep, the good, the bad AND the ugly (especially the ugly)!

So…….Beyond some really solid (pre-trip) husband to wife communication, what else can make the time NOT turn into a disastrous nightmare of epic proportion? 

1. Attitude -  Make the choice to rise to the occasion and be a cheerful leader (get help if you need it).
2. Call a family meeting and tell the children about the upcoming trip.
3. Be sure to contact your child’s/children’s teacher/s so they are aware of what’s going on at home.
4. Encourage your child/children to make a special picture/poem/letter and tuck it into the suitcase as a ‘surprise.’ 
5. Write a card yourself so your spouse knows you support him and are thinking of  him.
6. To the best of your ability, maintain the family’s usual rhythm. 
7. Plan some special event for you and the kids:  A meal out, a hike, etc.
8. Create a homecoming for the returning spouse (homemade posters, balloons, etc).
9. Plan an activity for yourself after your spouse returns (a hike, time with friends, coffee at the bookstore, a movie or more depending on your needs).

Let me know if you’ve experienced craziness like I have and if you have some must-know tips to share so that the next time Jesse leaves on a business trip, I can say ‘Bon Voyage’ and truly MEAN it!  Hahahahahaha!